So some of you know that I’m in the depths of Hell right now—well, in college—not the actual Hell because that’s nothing compared to a lake of fire and eternal suffering, but you get my point.
As an overly anxious/depressed person, college classes make it much much worse. And no I don’t take any in person—and still that changes nothing. I’ve been told and know it personally to be true that online are waaaaay more work. The very few in person classes I had were nothing compared to the constant flow of online assignments. I just can’t wait for April to be over. I have, besides regular assignments, about ten (give or take) essays due this month or at the beginning of the next.
What I’d rather be doing:
- Reading for fun.
- Talking all night/day with my friends about our current obsessions/fandom things.
- Resting in bed all day.
- Writing for fun.
What I have to do:
- Homework of all forms.
- Agonize all day and night over the whims of professors.
- Lose sleep and probably some years off my life for every exploding, random bubble of anxiety.
Of course, this means I’m behind on reading books and blogging—ahem to all the blitz posts and cover reveals lately. According to Goodreads, I’m eight books behind schedule. Will I catch up to my goal of 80 books this year? I don’t know. I could. But I do have certain plans to write on my WIP every day this summer. A doable daily goal of a solid two thousand. So there’s hope for me. Maybe.
Do you ever feel bad looking on Goodreads and seeing others already reaching over 50% of their goals? I’m talking about already have read 35-40+ books at this point. I could do it but not with my classes. I can’t even seriously write on my WIP in fear of abandoning my homework that I already struggle with mentally to even want to do. I’m procrastinating even now.
And since I’m behind on reading and blogging, the blog is currently sitting low on views. I feel really bad about it—but I know I have a legitimate reason for not being too terribly active. I’m trying to remedy the problem, but we’ll see if I’m successful or not.
I don’t seem to fit in with any niche.
Being socially awkward is what I describe as being stuck in a personal hell that has glass windows where you can see and occasionally smile at people who pass by. Some people understand but a lot of people just don’t or don’t care to understand (at least in my own personal experience). I’ve never really found my place anywhere from high school to even in online groups. I’ve always felt like I was just there and not important in any way. I blended in with the walls. Sure, I had two or three good friends. But I only keep in contact sparsely with one since high school and those teen years that I wouldn’t necessarily want to experience again. You know the term resting b*tch face? I have one and, man, does it make me feel awful to learn that people actually thought I was stuck up instead of petrified out of my mind. My anxiety is so bad these days; I skip out going to doctor appointments or just stepping outside in general.
When it comes to book blogging, it’s kind of the same deal. I watch other bloggers on their own blogs and on twitter and really want to interact but that glass window still there.
Making friends is still not easy even though similar interests are there.
I’m amazed at how many friendships other bloggers can maintain. It seems like they have the ability of making friends at the flip of a switch. I have no charisma (unless you agree potatoes—like myself–with the tendency to turn red as a tomato is something special) and probably come across awkward or aloof-ish when I do tweet or comment to other people.
I don’t have anyone close to me who enjoys books or much less talks about them (unless you count manga, I have a few people who are not book bloggers, but share an interest in a certain manga with me). I also don’t follow fandoms (tumblr and the like) behind the really big books. I suppose my problem is if I reach out to someone first I’m afraid they’ll think I’m bothering them, so I’m stuck in the just being there space.
I’m not talented or interesting.
I don’t write the best reviews. I don’t have coding, designing, or any special talent. I can’t even think of or finish writing a discussion post 99.9% of the time. I know this isn’t supposed to be important in the book blogging sphere. It’s supposed to be about books and enjoying the hobby, but it doesn’t always feel like that. It’s like being the invisible kid in the classroom again, even though I know it shouldn’t be thought of that way.
What kind of challenges do you personally face or can you relate to mine?
Just to keep everyone updated, the storms that have been blowing through has damaged my family’s home (a big old tree) and that of my aunt and uncle (who live right behind us). I won’t be regularly updating (there are some scheduled posts) until we can see if the Red Cross or some organization can help us. I might be able to get to the library every now and then to post reviews and the like. Please keep my family in your thoughts and prayers. It’s a very difficult time for us right now. I would also ask prayers for the other families of Kentucky. There are many still missing in flood waters, two are just children and others have had homes flipped over, so just keep everyone in mind and hope that all this nasty weather is over.
On a side note, I’m currently reading The Mapmaker’s Children and it’s probably the best alternating past/present books I’ve read so far. I should have a lot of time to tackle quite a few books, at least, so that’s the bright point.
…Otherwise, well, you know.
Now let’s get this thing alive again.
To catch up a little: My semester is over(hooray). I received straight A’s, amazingly. I’ve been going back and forth with a feeling of hopelessness and depression. Some days are worse than others. I look forward to the next semester in August, which seems like forever from now. I’m taking six classes instead of the usual four. I hope I can manage. Other than that, not much is going on in my life.
What a week it has been. Actually, maybe the last two weeks. I’ve lost track of time and lately I’ve been feeling pretty darn lazy. Procrastination is at an all time high, which is not good because I only have about two weeks left in this term. Work must be done soon. And by soon, I do mean /soon/. I’ve given myself daily goals, and so far have fulfilled them.
Homework cuts into my reading time, but reading also cuts into my homework time. This month I have read about two books, if I can remember correctly. I’m currently reading a book called “Wildflowers” by Rhonda Mccormack. Halfway through and so far it is brilliant. It’s so different, one of the best YA books out there, in my opinion. Another book I have waiting to be read is “A Fortune Hunter” by Daisy Goodwin. The cover is beautiful. I can’t wait to start that one.
Summer is so close. More writing time and more reading time and no worries about deadlines and grades! Lordy, I cannot wait.
Books I have read for April:
1. A Creature of Moonlight by Rebecca Hahn.
2. Death of a Grim Reaper by Bali Fields.
Books I want to read:
100+ Tudor related historical fiction.
So many books, so little money.
I’ve been a big ball of stress. It’s almost the end of my semester and I’m feeling pretty darn lazy/unmotivated at this point. But I’ll have to carry on and do my exam today.
On a different note, I have the final assignment for my writing class and can’t wait to do it. I get to ruin a character’s life with some sort of tragedy. Of course, I’m going to use death and kill off someone’s fiance or something. Maybe.
I went to a funeral today.
The sun was out and made it seem a little less cold.
Not feeling too well.
My little project is about sixteen pages now.
Hopefully, I’ll finish it during the summer.
For the last two books I read, I posted my reviews elsewhere(Goodreads, LibraryThing, Amazon).
But I want to say for those who have the time, they should definitely look into them.
I’m going to eat spaghetti now.
This week is my spring break.
I’ve done absolutely nothing but shiver from the cold.
Yesterday, I was very angry because of a mishap with UPS.
I gave them a piece of my mind when they had the gall to ask me to give feedback(after giving me a ‘sorry’ for their mistake they refused to fix).
Anyway, I received an advance reading copy for a book: For Such a Time by Kate Breslin.
I’m six chapters into it, and I absolutely love it.
Beautiful writing, insight, and characterization.
I’ll write a review after I finish.
~“To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all.”
― Oscar Wilde ~
I’ve been sick for the past few days and haven’t felt like doing anything.
Still patiently waiting for my books to arrive in the mailbox to give me something to do.
I’m thinking about rereading Divergent.
The other two books in that series, I need to buy them whenever I have money(which will be a long time).
I’m not sure if my local library has them, but I hardly go to town..anyway.
“Do not read, as children do, to amuse yourself, or like the ambitious, for the purpose of instruction. No, read in order to live.”
― Gustave Flaubert
Today(or should I say yesterday) was a tough day. My family and I desperately need to move for our health’s sake, but there are a million problems and reasons why we cannot. Life is complicated and everything requires money.
“Money doesn’t buy happiness.”
It would solve all my problems, actually.
And I would be extremely happy.
No more worrying about food, shelter, and heat(it has been miserably cold).
On another note, I started a “project.”
Trying my hand with YA writing.